Crappy days are here again

[adalger]

I should have been asleep hours ago. Now it's probably too late to expect that I'll wake up in time for work if I do fall asleep. Four months my life has been ripped apart now, and I just don't seem to be healing on an emotional level at all. My appetite is intermittent at best, my nights are routine torture if I can't find some distraction (and those I do find usually don't help much), my days are mainly a constant struggle to find a mood other than bleak depression or blind lashing-out rage at the interminable and inescapable pain.

I need to get out and be around people, see new faces, make friends, but I'm imprisoned in my own home most of the time because I have the children to be a father for. I don't have the option of just taking off for a while, I don't have the money to get a babysitter from time to time, and I'm starting to collapse under the weight.

I've been able to go drumming every other week for the past few weeks, recently by imposing on the generous nature and the affection for my daughter that the landlord's family has. (They're also my next-door neighbors.) I can't really count on that lasting on a permanent basis, and I don't like doing it anyway because I can't afford to pay them.

I get to go to church on Sunday. There they have a nursery and a children's program, so I don't have to feel guilty about a couple hours of trying to take care of me. It's helping, but it just isn't enough. I don't have the time or the support to get more involved in the activities on other days, where there's socialization that I desperately need.

Tonight's one of those times I truly despair. I just can't make myself believe it'll ever get any better.